Hey hey my baking friends! Remember me?
That sugar high dessert lover who couldn’t stop geeking about baking?
Yeah? No? Vaguely?
Does the suddenly disappeared food blogger who hasn’t posted anything new in what feels like eternity ring a bell? Any hint?
Theeeeeere we are! I knew you’d remember me that way.
Now let’s not rub it in my face because the guilt of my blog silence is already killing me!
And that’s why I’m writing you today.
I’ve actually been meaning to write you for an embarrassingly long time, but a cloud of writers’ block combined with hesitation and a false conviction that ‘I’m coming back soon, so no need to complicate things,’ kept pulling me away.
But its been too long…way too long, and things are getting confusing…and I hate for you to keep wondering or feel that I bailed on you.
So I’m finally here to open up, clear things out and get a little personal.
I feel like as my loyal readers (aka internet friends & baking buddies) you deserve to know where on earth I’ve disappeared and if I’m still blogging or not.
Well…this may need a bit of an explanation, but to put it in a nutshell, here’s my honest, and perhaps somewhat puzzling answer:
It’s no secret that I haven’t blogged in so many months…duh, but it was truly an unintentional break and one month just kept dragging the other.
I got so many concerned messages and emails (Hi!) wondering if I’m still alive…and thankfully (and obviously) I still am! YAY! Although at one point, I thought I wasn’t gonna be…
And this, my friends, is what started my blogging absence.
I promise I’m not being dramatic here, but I really just thought I was dying.
It’s something that I don’t like to talk about, because it strikes feelings that I don’t want feel, and brings memories that I don’t want to remember. Which is another reason why I kept delaying this post.
For that reason, I’d prefer not to dive into too much details, because just thinking about it again brings palpitations to my heart.
To make a long story short, I literally had a near-death-experience on a plane flight, where just like that, out of the blue…I felt my heart about to stop. I felt my soul fighting to escape my body, my breath fading away and my helpless self, unable to function. At that moment…I had no doubt, that this was it. The End. The closing chapter to my 35 years of life. It was sudden and unexpected and the whole thing unraveled in a matter of seconds. With an oxygen mask plugged to my face, medical equipment wired to my body, and a concerned crowd surrounding me, I could do nothing but pray. Pray for another chance for the sake of my children.
Hanging mid-air, with a thin hope of making it to land alive, was without a doubt, the most terrifying 4 hours of my life. Till this day I don’t have a clear explanation to why or how it happened, but it lead me to discover that I have a common heart condition that, thankfully, isn’t severe and can be lived by with the help of medications.
The few months following the plane incident, were spent fighting the side effects of my heart medications, which were, to say the least…draining. I was also in a mental state of confusion and instability. I was advised to get over what happened on the plane and just…”snap out of it!” Which… sorry, but NO! One just does not go through what feels like the closest thing to death and wakes up from it as if nothing happened. I was badly shaken and I needed time to heal. Time to think. Time to question. I started questioning my purpose in life, going through my past and thinking about my future. I felt incredibly grateful and privileged to be gifted another chance in life and wanted so badly to make it worth it.
So many things were going in my head. I started questioning the blog, among other things…and it baffled me. Is this really what I wanted to be doing for the rest of my “extended “ life? Am I doing the right thing teaching people how to make fat and sugar-laden food? Is that what I want to be remembered for? Am I better off dedicating the endless hours spent on blogging, taking care of my family and/or doing something more “worthy”? Am I incapable of moderation? There are so many amazing food bloggers out there…does the world need one more? Am I on the right path?
So many questions…very little answers.
One thing I knew for sure…was that I wasn’t ready to blog at the moment. I wasn’t ready to be on social media and I certainly didn’t have the appetite nor energy to create new recipes. I just wanted to be left “TO BE.” On the other hand, I never stopped replying to comments, answering questions and keeping up with emails. It took me longer than I should, but I eventually did. Which explains the “kinda, sorta” portion of the break. I haven’t completely plugged off of the blog.
Several months later, my cardiologist gave me the great news that I was ready to get weaned off of my meds. My heart activity had been successfully regulated to the point where I can go on with my normal life, medicine free, only taking them if needed. I couldn’t be happier and I started to feel like myself again. At around that time, an opportunity for a 4-month weight loss challenge opened up to me. And in an effort at trying to “better myself” after what happened to me, I jumped to the chance. I was determined to get rid of my baby weight once and for all. And since a healthy body leads to a healthy mind; it couldn’t have been a better timing. To be successful this time around, I knew the baking craziness just had to stop. So sorry blog…but you were gonna have to wait a little longer. I knew I couldn’t possibly make it if I was testing dessert recipes all the live long days. So once again the blog was put on the back burner, which again served me the time to think it more throughly and made way for lots and lots of greens and proteins.
And guess what?! For the first time in 15 years, I can finally say that “I have reached my goal weight!” I’m over the moon with this milestone and I want to scream it off the roof! So yeah…the blogging break did pay off. Don’t get me wrong, I still baked; typically only once a week for my cheat meal instead of 3 times a day. Ofcourse there were the birthday cakes here and there, special occasion treats, gifts, along with a few bake sales. Now that was a balance I was satisfied with.
So what now? I joined another 2-month weight loss challenge that ends in late June, to lose a couple extra kilos…you know…to save for a rainy day, then work on maintaining the loss with my nutritionist. So will I be ready to blog again after the challenge is over? YES! But sadly not right away.
After many many months of simmering it in my head…I decided that I still want to continue with the blog. I miss it…I miss you…I miss being a part of your baking adventures…I miss sharing the joy…I miss geeking about what I love…I miss being creative and I miss the challenges it brings. Truth is…I love eating and feeding my family healthy food on a daily basis, but I’m extremely enthusiastic about the science of baking, indulging in it every once in a while and sharing the experience. I came to the conclusion that an occasional sweet kiss of sugar is necessary to keep us sane. Cake brings life to celebrations, cookies draw smiles on faces & chocolate…oooooh chocolate…who can argue with its magic. So yep! I’ll be back, God willing, with a treat at a sensible frequency that we can all feel good about and with a pace I can commit to. My hope is that this time, I’ll be back with the serenity and balance that gives my life a much bigger purpose, and a moderation that allows me to do more in other fields of life.
To be realistic though, I don’t think I can be back before September, due to my house going through major renovations, which includes my kitchen…the heart and soul of this blog. I’ll most likely be staying at a temporary house during summer and sadly won’t be taking along my baking toys. But eeeeeeeekkk! A new kitchen! Can’t wait! Stay tuned for that.
Meanwhile, I’d like to thank you all so much for your patience and support. Thank you a million times over for all your caring messages and concern. Thanks for all the prayers to a speedy recovery…they worked! And thanks for continuing to visit the blog, baking from it, sending your questions, feedback & pictures…they kept me busy at a time of need.
Here’s to a fresh comeback & new outlook at life & a big wish for health & happiness to everyone. See you soon with more tried and true, nerdly tested recipes!